Welcome Back

(The following is a post I wrote in January but never uploaded. I am unsure of what specifically made me so hesitant to post it. Maybe it was fear of backlash, maybe it was the thought that people might watch me closely to see if I fall, maybe it was both or neither. Whatever it was, I felt the Lord tell me "Now, Today" and this is simply me being obedient.)

Hey.. It is now 2024 and the last time I posted it was 2022 and I was a freshman in college. Needless to say, I have changed and changed again and when I thought I was done changing I wasn’t. Even as I write, I am bombarded with the heartache of what 2 years of turmoil has done, and I am not even sure where to start. 

Before we get into anything though, I would like to apologize. I would like to apologize to all of my friends who I have kept at an arm's length, who I have ignored due to my inability to think of anyone else but myself. I love you all and I am sorry for being unreliable, dismissive, and emotionally unavailable. I would like to apologize to the people who may have been looking up to me while I was in highschool. I am sorry my hardened heart made me someone who was no longer capable of leading others. I regret all of the opportunities I missed to speak life over you and to you, and I hope that you can forgive me. 

In no way is my apology supposed to make up for 2 years of waywardness, but I am hoping it is a start and that you will allow me to show you who I am now and who I am striving to be. 

I know you are all probably wanting me to address my previous relationship, but that will be a separate blog post as there is not much I will share with the public (not because I am trying to hide things but it is a matter of respect and privacy for the both of us) BUT there is lots I have to say concerning how the church treats people in the LGBTQ community. What I will say for now is I am extremely disheartened by the mindset of the majority of self professing Christians, and there are some that say they do not look down on it but their countenance and behavior reveals the opposite. I will submit to the authority of God’s word and affirm that yes, being in a same sex relationship is not God’s best and not what God has for his children. In that same breath, I would also like to remind everyone that being in a same sex relationship is no different than having sex outside of marriage, lying, stealing, cheating etc, and I believe that the church struggles with seeing it that way. 

There is much more for me to say on that topic, but if I am honest there is still resentment that I feel the Lord has to help me work through, and I do not wish to take a hateful stance against the church as I believe community is important. I attend church on Sundays and hold fast to the importance of small groups and things of that nature, so I would not want anyone to think that I have an issue with church. I hope soon I will be able to compose a post full of grace and TRUTH (see what I did there) that addresses the overall heart posture of the church (that I have seen) when it comes to the LGBTQ community. 

Now, switching gears, It is safe to assume that you all know I have returned like the prodigal son. It has been an excruciating and humbling experience to wallow in the muck of this world while also feeling like I am the one that can pull myself out of it. It feels ironic to now relate to the prodigal who disrespected his father and spent all of his money just to end up eating with the pigs, because growing up I always felt like the older brother. A frustrated perfectionist upset that his rule following never earned him a feast. I have been both. The first to earn the Father’s love and the second to forsake it. In both roles I had misinterpreted the heart of the Father and it took running back to Him as he ran towards me to open my eyes to who He has been all along. Of course recommitting my life to Jesus did not change my life overnight, I often wrestle with God as Jacob did and cry out to Him as David did, but the difference is I now have hope and hope is a powerful thing. I have recently had Romans 5: 3-5 on my heart as I go throughout my day and it says, 

“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance character, and character produces hope, and hope does noy put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

The Lord let's nothing go to waste, even suffering, and for that I am thankful. 

As I begin wrapping up the first blog post back, I would like to leave you with this. 

If you are straddling the fence between the Kingdom of heaven and this fallen world (like I was when I first got to college), when you feel the world whispering promises of happiness, peace, joy, and freedom, ignore it. When the world tells you there is something that can fix you other than Jesus, it is lying. Our modern day serpent lies in the tall grass of Hollywood, social media, new age spirituality and life coach gurus that ask you “Did God really say?” They tell you to live your own truth. They tell you to follow your heart. They tell you happiness is something you can manufacture in and of yourself. The world teaches you that you are in control of your own destiny and therefore your own god. And I am telling you as someone who lived their “own truth”, it is all a lie. The world promises what it can not fulfill. Your cup will always remain empty. Your lips dry, your stomach hungry, your heart broken. I know it does not seem that way, I know God might seem limiting, calloused, or distant to you but trust me, that is not the God that I know. I know the Father that runs towards His children when they return. I know the God that says I am worth it even when I have said He wasn’t worth it. I know the God that whispers, “This is not your portion. I have more for you,” when I battle thoughts that tell me I will always struggle and to just accept it.  

I encourage you to simply pray. Ask Him to show you how much He loves you. Ask Him to help you see the truth about yourself and the world around you. 

If you have made it to the end, I appreciate it and I love you lots. I am excited to share my life with you all again and I am thinking of expanding my blog to poetry and book reviews along with my Jesus posts so.. Stay tuned :)