Hey, don’t know where to start because it has been so long… BUT I have missed you. I have missed writing. I have missed having something encouraging or thought provoking to say. Today I am still fresh out of anything thought provoking so I apologize for that. I think I just wanted to catch up. Rebrand maybe? I don’t know. The girl who started this blog and the one typing right now are night and day different, but somehow I managed to keep the same emotional instability? Funny how that works.
The last post I wrote was in September freshly entering a crisis and developing new (unhealthy) coping mechanisms.. that I still refuse somewhere in my little stubborn heart to acknowledge are unhealthy. It’s like I have put them on a shelf high enough to not want to reach for it but low enough that all I have to do is stretch on my tiptoes to grab it. Teetering between do I or don’t I everyday because everything that used to work in the past has exhausted its usefulness.
I would like to mention real quick that I still believe everything I have written and posted on this blog. When I was sort of remodeling the website or whatever, I was tempted to take off the bible verses and hide the super Christian posts because I can’t say I live the life that I used to. Not because I don’t believe it, but because exhaustion, circumstance, unresolved issues (we can call it trauma if you want), you name it, became too much and I could not keep up. I could not keep up the good stuff, the encouraging stuff, the Jesus stuff for the sake of others anymore. I have spent all of my 19 years of life living for everyone else but myself because I thought it was selfish. I thought I wouldn’t be loved as much as I was if I stepped out of line. I began to question if what I was doing was ever really me. Who was I doing it for? Why was I doing it?
And I have the Christian answer for it all. I know what I’m supposed to believe or say in response. I shouldn’t be living for anyone but Jesus. Okay. So? So what then?
Because I am pretty sure I was or at least was trying. That it was genuine.
Because nobody can tell me my last 2 years of high school were fake. That I went to church for show, or that what I felt in quiet times was forced. That Holy Spirit encounters never happened or that a lot of times the only time I felt anything was in worship.
But you also can’t tell me that even through all of that I was constantly unraveling. The only consistent thing was that I was always falling apart. And eventually my line snapped because doing all the right things and only getting relief for a few fleeting moments became not worth it. I felt, I feel in this moment it’s not worth it.
That doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could go back. That I could be who I was before, but I think I am beyond that. There’s no going back, only moving forward so I am trying to move forward in the best ways I know how.
One of those ways is going back to therapy. Vulnerability time, my panic/anxiety attacks are back. I don’t sleep. My emotions are extreme and change in a split second. How I feel causes my body to respond physically and getting through the day is the hardest task I have ever had to do. It sucks. I am frustrated. I don’t know what to say. I don’t want pity or for you to feel sad for me or text me because you are worried for me. I’ll be okay. I know I will eventually. Right now is just the hardest I have ever had to fight for myself, for my well being, and that’s okay. It happens.
In all of that unfortunate sorrow I have word vomited, there are good things. There are always those good things that boost hope just enough. Some of my good things are in the form of people. I am not sure if they will read this (and a part of me hopes they don’t) but the core 4 helps a lot of the time. I love them dearly. There are of course other people and it is a little off topic but I have been reading The Picture of Dorian Gray and in one of the first few chapters a character explains that keeping the secrecy of names and friendship can make a common thing delightful. I am not sure what draws me to that but I am charmed nonetheless.
While this is the topic I guess my thought provoking statement can be what another person says in the book. That people are most fond of giving away what they need most themselves. So what do you find you give away so freely? Answering that question can be sobering if given serious thought.
My final words as I end my sporadic rambling are Hi.. I am back somewhat. I am different. I am still in fact struggling and trying to figure out life just as any other 19 year old would.
I am trying to let you in and be authentic while still refraining from oversharing. I am sorry if you were expecting this post to be more than it was, but also I am done censoring things and keeping quiet on real life things for the sake of other people’s comfort. Staying silent to keep another person's peace is no longer a responsibility I carry. So here we are. I hope you're doing well and if you're not, just know that that's okay too.
This is real