High School to College

I’ve come to the conclusion that high school me would hate college me.

Why? Well besides the fact that high school me had a lot more anxiety and depression, she was a lot better as a person I think. She had more self control, will power, compassion (which honestly even at my best was not a lot lol), maturity, wisdom.. The list I have compiled in my mind seems to go on and on. I would like to blame it on adjusting to college, but I don’t know why I feel so different or have drifted so far from who I was back home.

After some thought I think it comes down to accountability and the fact that I have none here. I am sure I could find it, but I haven’t wanted to. I went from having so much accountability at home, a reputation to keep up, and people always watching/looking up to me, to being some random girl at Presbyterian college who plays lacrosse. A clean slate, no reputation (although I am sure I have created one for myself now that is not my favorite), and no one waiting to watch the Christian girl with a blog trip up. At home I had gotten to a point where I felt like I had failed not only myself but people around me because I couldn’t be who I had made myself to be. And it wasn’t because I was faking it, everything I have written, posted, or said I 100% believe and try to live out, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to do that for whatever reason. So, subconsciously, when I got to college I made the decision to drop who I was back home. Even though now thinking back at it, I am so proud of who she was. Despite her overwhelming emotions that tended to take over from time to time, or her mood swings, or her hard core belief in life being 100% black and white, or her need to be alone for a few days after hanging out with friends, she was someone different than the rest, someone worth knowing. Someone who wasn’t swayed by the rest, someone capable of standing on her own and by herself if she had to. And I hate that now there is no distinction between me and the crowd. Not in a “i'm so quirky and not like other girls” way but in a “I claim to be Christian and there is no separation between the way I live my life and the way others do” way.

Pause. THIS HURTS. I hate admitting this. I hate fulfilling a statistic. (that statistic being kids that fall away from church when they leave the house). But what I hate most is that life has been relatively easy the way I have been living, and I know if I go back it's going to get hard again. Simply because I’m going to want to do what I want to do. But now I have to learn how to say no to things I have grown to look forward to.

Resume.

Switching topics sort of.

Just because I haven’t been speaking to God, doesn’t mean he hasn’t been speaking to me. I have only gotten desensitized and developed a talent for ignoring his voice. Anyway.. here is what I feel has been revealed to me recently.

(Hopefully the person that this situation surrounds doesn’t read this because they will know it’s them 100%. If they do.. Um Hi.. this is awkward.. Um don’t read too much into this okay?)

Recently, I went through something and the question I ended up with is, Why did they choose chaos over easy? Why choose the messy, difficult situation over one that’s new, easy and if we are honest a million times healthier? The choice seems so obvious.

Then as soon as I asked the question, in typical God fashion (at least in the way I normally “hear” him), I heard “You do the same thing.” And it’s true. How could I expect that person to do something different when I am currently doing the same thing, and just so I am not alone in calling myself out.. Do we not all do the same?

Everytime we choose to do life on our own, without a relationship with God, we are choosing chaos and uncertainty. People may argue and say that life is equally chaotic and uncertain with Him, but my response is yes it can be but in a completely different way. And also with God at least you have someone to turn to. Someone who promises to always be there, to love you, to help you make it through the chaos, who says that uncertainty isn’t always bad and it’s never forever, someone safe to fall back on, someone to lean into even when you don’t deserve to have someone catch you when you fall. Everyday since I have been here I have chosen chaos, the hard path, and honestly the lonely path. Really, really, really lonely.

It is definitely my vice to try and live on my own and control my own life, and it goes well until all of the sudden I am completely falling apart.

All of that to say, I am going to choose easy from now on. Easy in the fact that I am not alone, and I am in communion with Jesus, difficult in saying no to the things that are good in the moment but in the long run leave me empty, ya know? I want to be the person high school me thought I would always be. I want to be able to be proud of myself again. I want to live up to what people spoke into me before I left.

Again as always if you have made it this far, congratulations! You are a trooper for sure. If you are to take anything away I hope it is 1) Accountability can be annoying but it is necessary because always making smart decisions on your own is impossible. And you will never correct your behavior unless someone calls you out on it. 2) If you are choosing chaos or doing life on your own, I challenge you to put your trust in someone other than yourself (because honestly how well is that working out for you? not in a bad way.. just saying it never works well for me), and put your trust in Jesus. I promise he is the most reliable, consistent person there is.