Here it is, 23

I have a tendency to disappear for longer than intended. I convince myself that I have nothing of significance to say, and truthfully as a type I still feel as if these words could be better spent elsewhere.. As if even the words have someplace else better to be. 

Still, I have a nagging spirit that tugs at my hands until I write, whether it's good or not, holds value or not, is up to you I guess. 

I’ll start with this. 

the windows are fogged from the outside 

i draw pictures that never show up 

shapes of who you wish i was 

an undefinable, mysterious being 

that holds its form just as well as the wind  

thunder rolls restrained by heavy clouds 

smoked glass catches sliding raindrops 

and i begin to resonate with liquid 

water that holds no figure 

i wrestle with what it’s like to truly be firm 

what would it look like for my identity to catch corners 

who would i be if not water but concrete 

I wrote this in my car the other day, struck by conversations I had with my parents. Questions I have still left unanswered, inspired this late night, notes app purge. As I dissect it now, I realize (like most things I write) it is coated in unfiltered emotion. Meaning that what I wrote, although felt at the time of its creation, is not truly how I feel. I do think I have a grip on my identity. I think I am solid when it comes to what I stand for, what I don’t mind conceding to, and where I stand in relation to things/people around me. I think the root of my struggle actually lies with knowing what to do with myself. The big question of “Now what?” I know who I am, so now where do I fit? What do I want for myself? Where do I go? How do I get there? 

Don’t get me wrong, I do not believe this is an original experience. Unfortunately, I think most from the ages of 18-28 have zero idea of what to do, where to go, or who to be. Maybe that’s why I find myself writing about it, to find comfort in a shared experience with those around me. 

I think so many things contribute to this widespread personal uncertainty. I think some are overwhelmed by choice. It feels ironic and cruel, at least to me, that the more we have at our disposal the more paralyzed we become in our decision making, the more hazy the world appears. I think poor leadership (in the form of the education system, parents, society in general etc.) then reinforces that lack of clarity because we never properly learn how to critically think. Forget about how the inability for individuals to critically think negatively impacts culture and society at large, on a smaller but much more important scale it inhibits the individual from making sound, concise, and educated decisions. The hive mind that is cultivated in school systems, religious organizations (Chill. I am not saying this to describe religion as a monolith. I am saying some, not all. Furthermore, this statement encompasses all religions. Okay, proceed), the professional arena etc., while I guess helps to maintain order in some odd way, also deprives people of the opportunity to ever learn how to critically think. Therefore, we are all 20 something year old adults, with no direction and no hope of ever finding purpose because for years we have never had to think for ourselves. All we know how to do is follow, but what do you do when you are thrown out into the world and there is no one to follow but yourself? What do you do when you’re in charge? Who will you be when no one else sets the standard?  

And for all of my dissecting and question asking, regrettably I have no answers. 

I simply do not know, and even if someone had an answer we are all so different. Different personalities, with different passions, talents, and desires, one answer on how to find purpose, direction, and ultimately success in life doesn’t exist and never can. 

In order to not leave this rambling mess of ideas on such a gloomy note… personally… if I am thinking just about myself and verbalizing what I tell myself as I dig for next steps… deep down I know that there are few things I love. I know that there are few things that keep me up at night, few things that cause me to daydream at work, few things that set a fire behind my teeth until I am able to talk to someone about it or write it down. Those things I know have a place in my future. It may not be 100% clear to me now how those things will work together to push me towards a career and a life I love, but I know they exist. More importantly, when I get there I will know with certainty I am where I am supposed to be, because I took the time to think for myself. I would have taken the time to define what success looks like for me. I would have taken the time to wrestle with what my purpose is. The way my life turns out will not be because I submitted to another’s vision of success, and when I begin to fear my future I can remind myself of this and rest. Wherever I end up, I trust there will be no grief or regret for this reason.

I am not sure if that really helps anyone. I am not really sure it’s supposed to. 

Maybe it is all just something to think about, something to resonate with, something to take with you for the day until something more thought provoking comes around. 

Thank you for reading, for stopping your day to partake in something that is therapeutic for me. 

There is a part of me that desires this to be more collaborative. Comment something if you have thoughts. Text me if you have debate.