So It has been a long while since I’ve sat at my laptop inspired enough to write anything, much less something about God.
I pride myself on being authentic and not trying to convince you I am a super Christian who has never made a mistake. I hope I have never come off that way, or painted myself in such a way that makes you believe I am a sunshine and smiles Christian all of the time. That is far from the truth. So what is the truth then?
The truth is I spent most of the summer questioning what I believed. I spent most of the summer hating church. Yes.. hate. I spent the summer not wanting to pray or read my Bible. I tried faking it until I made it. Until I felt the way I have felt in the past. Until I could say, “Alright I was not in the mood last week, but I am refreshed and ready to seriously dig into the Word this week.” Unfortunately, that never came. Instead I got bitter and resentful towards myself, towards God, because I did not understand how I got to where I was. To be honest, I still don’t know how I got to that point. To be even MORE honest, I just read my Bible for the first time with my full attention in 3 months. To STAY on the honest train, I haven’t made the best decisions. Decisions that if you asked me maybe 6 months ago, I would have said “No” with the most confidence in my answer. Don’t know what to tell you, things happen.
(This all seems very pessimistic, but I promise there is a happier ending to this long winded post.)
I was feeling all of these things and also nothing at the same time. I was hurting. I cried to my mom in the car a week before I left for college. I SOBBED. Losing your sense of self is so scary. Feeling as if you had a solid grasp on who you are and then suddenly losing it all is SCARY.
All of that to say, hey, I am struggling. I am doing a lot better now. But I am just now on my way back up after being broken on the ground for what has felt like an eternityyyyy.
NOW what is going to follow after my little confession lol is something I wrote before going off the deep end. I wish I could’ve clung to these words a little harder in the midst of my struggle. I wish I had trusted more. I wish my vision wasn’t so small, that I could see the bigger picture. I wish I had trusted God is who He says He is, and He doesn’t have to act how I want Him to for that to ALWAYS be true.
Fair warning, the writing is unfinished… I believe it is encouraging nonetheless.
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Hey, It has been a while. How are you?
Take some time and really answer the question, and if you feel so inclined text me/dm me your answer because how you are doing matters. You matter and what you have to say matters and what you are feeling matters and the season of life you’re in matters. All of it matters.
If you are struggling, that’s okay. Me too. Despite what I post on social media, a lot of the times I am struggling. I feel burnt out SO often. And this time I started to believe that being burnt out came from Jesus, from church. That if I pulled away for a moment, I could catch my breath and come back when I was ready.
Why did I think that? Not sure, because that is so far from the truth.
Needless to say, I took a 4 week break. In these four weeks I cursed a lot more, cried a lot more, was uncontrollably angry at the littlest things, filled my time with chasing validation and basically all the things I shouldn’t do. I was definitely a lot more exhausted than when I had initially pulled away.
I’m saying all of this 1) to hold myself accountable and not try to hide sin. I never want people to think that just because I speak about Jesus that I am in any way some super Christian who never doubts or has big falls in my relationship with God.
And 2) because I know I can’t be the only one. I know that even if I am not hearing people in church or on social media admit to struggling with these things, they are. At least one person.
So the thing is, how do you come back from pulling away? How do you reconcile broken intimacy? How do you regain motivation, passion, and faithful devotion towards the Lord again?
First thing, repentance. The hardest part of repentance for me is not that I don’t think I did anything wrong, it’s that I know I did so much wrong that an apology could never be enough. It is hard for me to trust that I am truly forgiven and beyond that how could Jesus love me the same amount even when I was so dismissive and willfully disobedient.
But that is my human understanding. Because the truth of the matter is His blood is sufficient. The point of his sacrifice is that I would never be enough, an apology would never be enough. But because of the cross I don’t approach God with just asking for forgiveness. I approach him covered in the blood of his son, I am clothed in the righteousness of the Son, and no sin could over power the blood of Jesus spilled for me.
When I come to God humbly and with a repentant heart, I am forgiven. I am welcomed into his arms immediately. The closing of the gap between me and God when I repent is so refreshing, and only then do I find the rest I had been searching for the whole time.
“I confess to him all my wickedness, I ask His forgiveness, I abandon myself in His hands that he may do what he pleases with me. The King, full of mercy and goodness, very far from chastising me, embraces me with love, makes me eat at His table, serves me with His own hand, gives me the key of His treasures; He converses and delights Himself with me incessantly, in a thousand ways, and treats me in all respect as His favorite.” - Brother Lawrence
This quote has been so helpful for me in just reminding me of God’s character and how he sees me so different than I see myself.
The next thing is not to get caught up in the idea that you have to earn your way into his love again. After you repent there is no trial period. You don’t have to be in time out SO don’t put yourself there. Don’t restrain your prayers because you feel as if you are unworthy to speak to God. Don’t refrain from getting in the Word because you feel like you have to wait until you deserve to be refreshed, encouraged, and guided by His Word.
If you have made it this far (or you skimmed to the end) as always thank you. I truly hope that at least one person can find comfort in something that was said.
Also I would love prayers. Prayer works, if you needed the reminder. If you need prayer, I’d love to pray for you, with you. Whatever you need, I want to be there in any way I can OR point you in the direction of someone who can help you. <3
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